The Three Levels of Conversation
Every conversation has its unique flavor, but there are distinct patterns to conversations that you can observe. By recognizing these patterns and honing your skills in navigating them, you're more likely to engage in the kind of conversations you desire. Over time, this can lead to more fulfilling relationships with friends, family, colleagues, and intimate partners. These three modes of conversation serve as a guide to help you achieve just that.
#1 The Informational Level
Many of our everyday conversations are informational. We exchange data. The informational mode doesn’t have a lot of emotion. It‘s often practical, serving a task, a project, or a goal. For example, things like —
“Where do you work?”
“It’s really hot outside”
“Can you show me towards the bathroom?”
An informational conversation can also serve a sense of connection. Having no shared task or goal to speak of, you might enjoy talking about stuff. This happens often in discussing shared hobbies and interests.
#2 The Personal Level
Frequently, we engage in conversations on a personal or emotional level, which many describe as "deep and meaningful." These exchanges, at their peak, meet our desires for connection and acceptance.
We’re no longer discussing things. Instead, we are talking about our selves and our feelings. This mode moves us toward cultivating connection and trust, less so toward achieving tasks and goals.
This mode often feels relaxed, familiar, and secure, especially when conversing with trusted friends.. Some examples are:
"I just went through a breakup, and I'm feeling pretty down."
"I'm pumped about this new project I've got going on at work!"
"I'm really into this new intimate relationship, and I'm feeling so in love!”
#3 The Relational Level
At times, we feel the need to discuss aspects of our relationship or the way we communicate. This is where the relational mode comes into play. Thinking about engaging in this kind of interaction might stir up feelings of anticipation, apprehension, or a mix of both. Nonetheless, these relational dialogues are essential. Eventually, they become inevitable within our regular interactions with others.
Relational conversations possess a unique potency and significance. They allow us to steer our relationship towards a deeper sense of shared objectives and mutual understanding. Navigating these conversations adeptly demands a considerable level of relational intelligence.
You can use the relational level to enhance a sense of connection in the present moment. Do this by first attending to your experience. Notice your sensations, thoughts, desires, and emotions, and then reveal something about them. Here’s a simple phrase to use —
“Being with you, I notice…”
You can also use questions like these to guide the conversation into this relational mode —
“What’s it like to hear that?”
“What’s it like to share this with me?”
“How does that land with you?”
“What’s happening for you right now?”
This form of relational dialogue focuses on the present moment. These exchanges can be thrilling with a willing partner. They can also quicken a sense of intimacy, even with someone you’ve only just met. As you delve deeper into authentic relating, you may find yourself drawn to engaging in the relational mode, particularly in the context of the present moment. This is often experienced during events like Authentic Connection Evenings (see betouchedcommunity.com). You might have already participated in these immersive relational activities, which can significantly enhance your relational intelligence.
With practice, you'll become adept at seamlessly transitioning into the relational level. You'll come to recognize it as a versatile tool for navigating various types of conversations. Whether it's informational discussions or personal/emotional exchanges, you'll find the relational mode to be a valuable channel for guiding interactions.
